Letter to my Fat, Trans and/or Queer Siblings

I can tell you that it does get different. I can tell you that you don’t have any chance at finding the people you connect deeply with if you are gone. I truly hope that you give yourself a chance to find the right people for you.

Photo by AllGo - An App For Plus Size People on Unsplash

Dear Queer, Fat, and/or Trans Siblings,

I am writing to my younger LGBTQ+ and/or fat siblings because I know how unimaginably difficult it can be to not fit into the dominant systemic norm. And right now with the pandemic, our political climate, the civil rights uprising that many of us are participating in, there is so much happening. So much that is weighing heavy on you and on our Black, Indigenous, and other non-Black siblings. You might be so in the thick of it that you might not even realize how much the stress is impacting you and your body. Some of you might be intimately familiar with the stress and pain living in your body.  

I wish I could go back and tell my 15 year-old and 21 year-old self that my life would get better. You know what, even my 32 year-old self! I wish I could comfort my younger self when they felt alone, hopeless and useless. I wish someone would have been able to tell me that I was perfect and loved just the way I was and that it was a beautiful thing to go towards what made me feel like more like myself. This is also why I am writing to you. I want you to know that it can get better. I want you to know that there will be people that accept and love you just the way you are, and that in fact there will be people that love you *because* of your quirks, your laugh, your nerdiness, the gap in your teeth, and any other thing that you are self-conscious about.

I want to tell you that there is so much beyond your conservative family. Beyond your fundamentalist family members. Beyond your neo-liberal, racist, transphobic, and fatphobic family members. Beyond the friends who take all your emotional energy and never give back. Beyond the harassment in the streets. Beyond the stares and glares that you receive in your small suburban or rural town. I know it is so incredibly challenging to believe that things could be any different than they are right now. Difficult to believe that you will ever be different than you are right now. This is such a big reason why we struggle so much with hopelessness and despair. Thinking it will never be any different.

I wish I could promise you that there won’t be struggle. That there will come a time when you don’t get harassed. That there will be a time when you don’t have to worry about your rights being taken away or that you will always be able to access the healthcare that you need. Unfortunately, we aren’t there yet.

I don’t know who will be the people that love you in ways that your family never could. I don’t know when you will find people that love to nerd out about the same things you do. I don’t know how long it will be before you find people who don’t think you need to lose a pound or have an exercise routine to deserve love and acceptance. I don’t know where you will find the people that won’t guilt you about your “life of sin” or “going against God” because of who you are.

What I can tell you is that someday they will show up! Really they will. The more you move towards who you are and what makes your heart sing, the closer you will get to finding people who will support you and show up for you on your birthday and the days in between! What I can tell you is that there are other people out there also trying to heal their intergenerational trauma too. Trying to challenge the intergenerational patterns of silence and abuse. There are people you will find that will become your chosen family. Some of them may be around for decades and some of them for months or years. Some will grow with you and some may not. At times, it will likely be challenging to forge these friendships as most of us are dealing with our own trauma that can make being in relationships difficult even when we accept and love each other immensely.

You will find the people that will be there for you through thick and thin.

I can’t say with certainty that every single one of you will be happy all the time or will get exactly what you need. Our country is too steeped in white supremacy (which includes - patriarchy, fatphobia, capitalism, etc.) for me to say that.

I want you to remember that you will find something to do with your life that makes you feel alive and nourishes you in ways that you could have never imagined. I want you to remember that you will find other people to laugh at your twisted, dark morbid jokes the same way you do.

Please remember that so many of us have had deeply painful dark nights of the soul where we were convinced that we would be better off dead. Please remember that your ancestors are behind and beside you as you make your way in the world!

Photo by AllGo - An App For Plus Size People on Unsplash

While we are at it, I want you to know that we all do horrible things. We all harm people. We are all harmed. You do not have to be consumed by the guilt and/or shame about your actions for the rest of your life. I want you learn about transformative and restorative justice. I want you to learn that there are people who will support you and believe in you even when you hurt others. I want you to know that there are people who will support you and believe you when you tell them you were harmed. There are many others that are committed to moving our culture forward and fighting for a better future for all of us. I want you to know that each of us plays a different part in that, and we are all important no matter what our part is.

It does get different. I can tell you that you don’t have any chance at finding the people you connect deeply with if you are gone. I truly hope that you give yourself a chance to find the right people for you.

Please remember that your joy is political, radical, and revolutionary. It is an act of rebellion every time you feel joy and pleasure in a world that tries at every turn to squash and shame your queer, trans, and/or fat joy. I can’t wait for you to find out what your life can be like.

Please don’t quit before your miracle happens.

We need you.  

All my fat love!

sj

SJ Thompson is a fat liberation coach, writer, and consultant based in Portland, Oregon. They are the blogger behind Resilient Fat Goddex. You can say hi on Instagram, Twitter, Facebook, or learn more here.