I can tell you that it does get different. I can tell you that you don’t have any chance at finding the people you connect deeply with if you are gone. I truly hope that you give yourself a chance to find the right people for you.
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I do not know if there is an in-patient eating disorder treatment center that currently exists that is safe for all people with non-dominant systemic identities at all levels of the organization. I do not know of an eating disorder treatment program for higher level of care where I as a fat, queer, non-binary person would feel safe to attend.
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I’m finalizing a presentation on the ways that sizeism and eating disorders, separately and together, intersect for trans and gender diverse folx. While researching scientific and community based articles, it really got me thinking about my experience as a kid (a lot research is focused on trans youth) coming of age while recognizing my sexuality was different than almost everyone I knew.
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I know you are working your hardest to provide the best care possible. I know you are working to improve people’s health, so that they can enjoy their lives longer. I know that you have to work within a rather broken system with short appointment times, insurance requirements, and have to work with the resources that you have available. I know that not every clinic, agency, hospital, or practice has the same resources as others.
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Last night the seat next to mine on my flight was empty. This morning it isn’t. I’m not rolling in the dough enough to purchase a second seat ahead of time and wait to get reimbursed. So, I am going to have to see if someone will be willing to switch seats with me at the last minute where there is an empty middle. You know how willing people are to give that up. [insert eye roll] This puts me at risk of getting kicked off the flight.
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Let’s talk about Intuitive Eating. How do you navigate honoring your hunger or respecting your fullness, when you can’t afford to buy enough food? How do you enjoy the pleasure of eating, when you can’t buy food that sounds good to you? How do you enjoy the pleasure of eating, when you are worried about if you will be evicted from your home?
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I don’t think I would survive very long without community. No, really. I don’t think I would. Community has always been incredibly important to me. It has changed and shifted over the years as I have learned and grown. I’ve been a part of many different communities over the years. They have all taught me different lessons and nourished a part of me.
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In my graduate school classes, sizeism is mentioned once in the entire five years I’m a graduate student. Every single class is required to talk about marginalized identities and how whatever topic the class is focused on impacts those who are more marginalized or oppressed. Fat people are never mentioned except in the one class one time. I know from my lived experience that fat people are oppressed and I began studying feminism and learning about the history of size oppression in college. Eating disorders are covered one day in my “abnormal psychology” class and never mentioned again. Even in my “psychology of women” class eating disorders were never mentioned and diet culture wasn’t talked about.
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It was easy to know in high school when I was starving myself, using laxatives not as prescribed, and making myself throw up that I most likely had an eating disorder. This was the way I saw them represented in after school specials, and documentaries in health class. Though when I started seeing a therapist at 16, I was never told I had an eating disorder. I was never offered eating disorder treatment.
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I really did think that each time would be different. I really thought that I would fall into the 5% of people that would be able to maintain significant weight loss long term. I wanted to be anyway. I did NOT want to accept that I was just your average person who couldn’t maintain weight loss over time.
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There were many things that influenced my willingness to seek information about treatment for ADHD. But I was finally willing to seek out this kind of help.
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Great question! It’s really interesting to experience people’s reactions when they hear my business name. Some stare blankly at me. Some seem to look confused. Once while giving my elevator speech in a room full of networking professionals, a man couldn’t contain his laughter. I don’t know if it was out of awkwardness or actually thinking it was laughable. Someone once asked me why I used the word “fat” in my business name. And then. . .there those who get it. They really get it. And I am met with a huge, knowing smile and/or some version of “what a great name!”