I can tell you that it does get different. I can tell you that you don’t have any chance at finding the people you connect deeply with if you are gone. I truly hope that you give yourself a chance to find the right people for you.
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I do not know if there is an in-patient eating disorder treatment center that currently exists that is safe for all people with non-dominant systemic identities at all levels of the organization. I do not know of an eating disorder treatment program for higher level of care where I as a fat, queer, non-binary person would feel safe to attend.
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I’m finalizing a presentation on the ways that sizeism and eating disorders, separately and together, intersect for trans and gender diverse folx. While researching scientific and community based articles, it really got me thinking about my experience as a kid (a lot research is focused on trans youth) coming of age while recognizing my sexuality was different than almost everyone I knew.
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I don’t think I would survive very long without community. No, really. I don’t think I would. Community has always been incredibly important to me. It has changed and shifted over the years as I have learned and grown. I’ve been a part of many different communities over the years. They have all taught me different lessons and nourished a part of me.
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It was easy to know in high school when I was starving myself, using laxatives not as prescribed, and making myself throw up that I most likely had an eating disorder. This was the way I saw them represented in after school specials, and documentaries in health class. Though when I started seeing a therapist at 16, I was never told I had an eating disorder. I was never offered eating disorder treatment.
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I really did think that each time would be different. I really thought that I would fall into the 5% of people that would be able to maintain significant weight loss long term. I wanted to be anyway. I did NOT want to accept that I was just your average person who couldn’t maintain weight loss over time.
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There were many things that influenced my willingness to seek information about treatment for ADHD. But I was finally willing to seek out this kind of help.
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This is what I learned growing up. I've continued to hear this throughout my life. As recently as a few months ago, I was in a training where the trainer used the word fat as slur in an example she gave. When I asked her about it later, she said she used it as an example (without thinking about its effect on me), because it's the worst thing you can call someone.
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