I can tell you that it does get different. I can tell you that you don’t have any chance at finding the people you connect deeply with if you are gone. I truly hope that you give yourself a chance to find the right people for you.
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I do not know if there is an in-patient eating disorder treatment center that currently exists that is safe for all people with non-dominant systemic identities at all levels of the organization. I do not know of an eating disorder treatment program for higher level of care where I as a fat, queer, non-binary person would feel safe to attend.
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While I physically ache at my dog’s absence, she gave me and my body the power to recognize belonging.
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I know you are working your hardest to provide the best care possible. I know you are working to improve people’s health, so that they can enjoy their lives longer. I know that you have to work within a rather broken system with short appointment times, insurance requirements, and have to work with the resources that you have available. I know that not every clinic, agency, hospital, or practice has the same resources as others.
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Last night the seat next to mine on my flight was empty. This morning it isn’t. I’m not rolling in the dough enough to purchase a second seat ahead of time and wait to get reimbursed. So, I am going to have to see if someone will be willing to switch seats with me at the last minute where there is an empty middle. You know how willing people are to give that up. [insert eye roll] This puts me at risk of getting kicked off the flight.
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Let’s talk about Intuitive Eating. How do you navigate honoring your hunger or respecting your fullness, when you can’t afford to buy enough food? How do you enjoy the pleasure of eating, when you can’t buy food that sounds good to you? How do you enjoy the pleasure of eating, when you are worried about if you will be evicted from your home?
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Our relationship with the people that raised us often forms how we relate to food and body as we grow and become adults. I’ve heard that the way we are spoken to as children is what becomes our inner voice/inner critic as we become more independent from our caregivers. I don’t know if this is exactly true. What I do know is that my parents had a major influence on my relationship with food and body. Do I think they caused my eating disorder? Nope. They were doing the best they knew how with the resources they had. Plus genetics, culture, finances, and all that. There are lots of factors.
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I did not always believe that fat people had a right to eat regularly and enough food, every day.
Nope. I had so much internalized fatphobia, weight stigma and bias that I very much bought into the idea that my fat body was a problem. A BIG problem.
Which meant that I shouldn't (read: didn't deserve to) eat regularly and enough food, every day.
It was impossible for me to feel much joy or pleasure, take up space, or gasp. . .feel sexy.
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I really did think that each time would be different. I really thought that I would fall into the 5% of people that would be able to maintain significant weight loss long term. I wanted to be anyway. I did NOT want to accept that I was just your average person who couldn’t maintain weight loss over time.
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It was easier to put up with my chronic foot pain, than to deal with a new specialist who might stigmatize my body and receive substandard care.
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This is what I learned growing up. I've continued to hear this throughout my life. As recently as a few months ago, I was in a training where the trainer used the word fat as slur in an example she gave. When I asked her about it later, she said she used it as an example (without thinking about its effect on me), because it's the worst thing you can call someone.
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Great question! It’s really interesting to experience people’s reactions when they hear my business name. Some stare blankly at me. Some seem to look confused. Once while giving my elevator speech in a room full of networking professionals, a man couldn’t contain his laughter. I don’t know if it was out of awkwardness or actually thinking it was laughable. Someone once asked me why I used the word “fat” in my business name. And then. . .there those who get it. They really get it. And I am met with a huge, knowing smile and/or some version of “what a great name!”